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Choosing a Service Dog (SD) candidate and Self-Training or Not

PTSD service dogs

Service Dogs for PTSD (or other disabilities): Part 2
Choosing a SD candidate and Self-Training or Not

Okay, I had MANY questions coming to me after my Alex and service dog write-up yesterday, which I felt calls for a Part 2. PLEASE understand that training was my profession/career for years before becoming a caregiver, so I do have the knowledge and years of experience needed for training and training service dogs (even though Alex is not one, by choice).

This write-up is only intended to help you to be aware of what is involved in choosing and training a dog with the goal of it becoming a service dog. I cannot tell anyone if self-training or use of a service dog is for them or not, that is something that only you can decide for yourself. I do ask that you be completely honest with yourself before making a decision. There is a lot involved in training and/or using a service dog, that man are unaware of.

In order to understand what is involved in having and using a service dog, and deciding if a service dog is even right for you, you HAVE to do a lot of research! Another thing that I will preach, is are you far enough along in your treatment and continuing treatment to use a service dog? This is very important to be honest with yourself about! A SD is not a cure all! You have to consider… can you control anger/frustration, will you be able to manage your symptoms well enough for the dog’s safety, will you be able to tolerate when a SD acts like a dog, will you be able to keep up the dog’s training after fully trained? Will you continue to dedicate yourself to that dog, as that dog is going to do for you? You are a TEAM when you use a service dog.

Using a service dog is a choice for the one with the disability to make (exception would be service dogs specifically trained for children or adults with disabilities which require a guardian, the guardian is responsible for the SD and works with the team). If a person with a disability does not want to use a service dog, please respect that decision! A spouse/partner cannot make that decision for them, however they do need to know they will at times be in situations to where they are needed to care for the SD, it happens. A service dog is your lifeline and takes dedication to be a team.

And the biggie… Have you tried everything else first to see if other options of treatment help before jumping straight to “I need a service dog”? I have personally seen some with PTSD get a service dog right up front when diagnosed and symptoms are high, the first thing they turn to, then once that person gets used to getting back out, learns coping skills, or other treatments help, that SD gets left at home. When this happens it is NOT a good situation for the SD! They are trained for the job and love to work. A service dog is literally with you 24/7! Are you ready for that responsibility and for the number of years that SD is capable of working and their lifespan?

Another thing I will state up front, a SD is an animal and unforeseen things happen, medical expenses, dogs do get old… Are you prepared for those things? The reason I want to address this up front, and many people don’t unfortunately, is because once you get used to using and having that SD with you all of the time, one unforeseen thing can cause you personally a mental setback if that SD can’t work any longer. I saw this personally with Craig! His first service dog had to be retired after less than two years working due to an unforeseen vision problem, and Craig hit rock bottom again when she had to retire at such an early age. That’s why Alex became a part of our family, and why I trained him, even though Craig has chosen since then not to use a service dog. I do personally feel and have seen the benefits of a service dog to Craig, however he is not ready to use one again and I have to respect that decision, it is a choice only he can make.

If you do not have, and make the time to research, then you really should not even consider self-training, not to sound harsh, just stating the facts. Learn the service dog laws (Federal and State), talk to other service dog teams, visit quality (a word you will hear me say A LOT!) organizations, talk to trainers, watch how quality service dogs actually work, see for yourself what goes into training, learn what expenses are involved in maintaining a service dogs health, and understand that you will at times have issues when out in public if you choose to use a service dog… you have to know how to “correctly” handle these situations. Outbursts over a service dog conflict, especially in businesses that are uneducated are NOT going to benefit you or other service dog teams.

There are many GREAT self-trainers out there. It will all depend on the time and effort you put into it, as well as the dog’s ability! Not every dog will be a service dog, just a fact. Many may make great emotional support dogs (which do NOT have public access rights) and many may make great pets. Be honest, if a dog is not a service dog please have respect for SD teams out there and don’t take it out into public as a service dog.

For those of you that are asking how to pick a suitable candidate (dog/puppy) to train as a service dog. Honestly, it takes experience, and even then not every dog will make it to full service dog work. If you are not experienced in choosing a dog, basic and advanced obedience training, task training (a task is a specifically trained command(s) to mitigate a disability), and not experienced in animal behavior, I HIGHLY recommend getting help from a professional if you choose to AND can honestly dedicate the time needed to self-train!

If you know your life has many interruptions that could interfere with the time the dog needs then you may want to look at professional trainers or find a suitable, quality, organization. Also know, when you self-train, you are putting all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak. Not all dogs make it to full service dog status, so keep in mind all of your hard work, time, and money (oh yes it costs money even with self-training) may leave you with a pet or having to decide if you would re-home the dog if it washes out of training, develops health issues which would prevent it from working, and you have to start over with a new candidate. I think it’s 1 in 10 dogs tested/chosen make it to full service dog “quality” work, the last I read.

First, what breed is suitable for YOU, your lifestyle, and family??? What size of breed will be needed for the tasks needed, as well as compared to your own body size… the reason I state this is if you are a tall or larger built person with PTSD‬, a smaller dog may very well draw more attention to you than what already will be. 😉 We learned that one with Craig’s now retired service dog Maya (who I used in the photo), she looked like a puppy compared to Craig even though she is not a small breed. You CANNOT pick a pup/dog because they are cute, pretty, have loving eyes gleaming at you, or you feel you need to save them! The activity level of the breed and breed characteristics you choose MUST suit your lifestyle or the lifestyle you want to get back to or get to, and the tasks that will be needed. It is also important that the dog be matched correctly to you including personality and willingness to work for you.

Then decide if you want to get a pup from a breeder or not, and if you want and have time for a puppy or younger dog. If you choose a pup or younger dog, I want to state, there are different stages that pups go through and it is important to know and understand those stages, so training can move forward with as little setbacks as possible. There is also a stage where the pup can very easily pick up on and mimic anxiety and other PTSD symptoms, maintaining balance and training is important so that does not happen. IF it does, you may need to seek professional help from an animal behaviorist to assist you in training.

There are pro’s and con’s to every age level of pup/dog. A young pup is my personal choice. However, young pups take MUCH more time, house training, etc. and the late night outings are usually not an issue with PTSD being a part of life because majority of us are up anyway. 😉 The older the dog, the more corrections in behavior you “may” find need to be done.

Now, as an example, Alex was 6 months old when we got him, even though I personally prefer an 8-10 week old pup, he tested beautifully, however 3 weeks into having him and everything going great, we discovered he had a fear of large chains. This was a fear that I had to work him through and correct, which he did recover from the fear. However this is a good example.

With shelter dogs, as much as I do love them and they have my heart, I’ve had many over the years and they were/are awesome, you have to be prepared for any behaviors, temperaments, quirks, etc that they may have developed or experienced and be prepared, have a plan, for anything that may come up. Now, a young pup may go through the same exact thing as they develop, they may form fears, behaviors, etc. They are animals not robots and things can happen. Being prepared on how to handle or know how to handle different behaviors which may develop is important.

There are testing guidelines out there for choosing a pup/dog, however if you are not familiar with them and animal behavior I HIGHLY advise having an experienced trainer (that has service dog knowledge) help you choose a puppy/dog, even if you choose to do the rest of the training yourself or only turn for professional help for task training. Again, do your research first before getting a pup/dog!

Testing a pup/dog includes a lot to look for/at, such as temperament, aggressive responses, desensitization level to other animals, sounds, vision, touch, objects, etc., startle response and recovery time, dog’s body language and what each action/stance/position actually means for THAT pup/dog, social interactions, degree of dominance/submission, ease of handling in different situations, level of focus, retrieval, and anything that would be needed for specific disability work. Emotional support, comfort, love, and “making you feel safe” are NOT tasks and do not qualify as such.

(Remember there is no slacking, it takes hundreds of hours to train a service dog, a good base time frame is 2 years of training. Then after becoming a service dog they will need reinforcement training to keep them up to date on skills and tasks.)

Expense of a Service Dog. Please do not think that just because you adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue, or are given a “free” puppy/dog, that there is going to be less of an expense. NO dog is free, and especially not a service dog. Again a service dog is a lifeline, with that comes maintaining their health and other things needed, including quality food and treats, vaccinations, health exams… such as eyes and hips, proper work and/or vehicle equipment if or what is needed, toys/training toys, poop bags and clean up kit/hip pack, classes (which I recommend doing), CGC certification… this is not required or not in all areas however I highly recommend it for all service dogs, lead and collar, water/food bowls and travel bowls, liability insurance (another thing I recommend, they are still a dog), some people get health insurance for routine or emergency medical expenses, flea control, heartworm preventative, grooming if you are unable to do it yourself (Want to see someone frown on seeing a service dog in public? Take an ungroomed one out and that’s what you will get along with a lot of rude comments), nails MUST stay trimmed/short… or it can be a safety hazard out in public for the dog, as the dog ages there may be a need for medications or special beds… you have to keep in mind dogs age, and many other things… but those give you a basic list of expenses.

Another question I was asked…
Can my pet dog I already have become a service dog?

Some dogs do have the ability to. Some are still at a young enough age to train, age is important to think about… how long will that dog once fully trained be actually capable of working before retiring IF they make it through training? And is the dog of age to train for what is needed for the job?

The other thing to consider is what amount of pet training has already been put into the dog and MASTERED? Let me define mastered… having to tell a dog multiple times before the dog responds is not a skill mastered. Sure, they are still dogs and will have bad days where they don’t respond every time, but overall they should respond when commanded. This is also for the safety of the dog, there are many situations you will come across and proper response can be urgent.

However, I personally frown on this option of using an existing pet dog, I will never say it can’t be done because it can be in some cases, but there is a lot to consider, let me explain why. A dog that is an awesome pet and great at home with you, may not be the same way out in public around many people, new places, sounds, sights, smells, elevators, buses, trains, planes, other animals, food, etc etc. Some dogs can train through this, many won’t. Many are already settled into the home environment and routine, changing that may be stressful on them, which may bring on new behaviors.

The other large things to consider are habits that have already formed at home. People food is a huge one, many people don’t think twice about feeding their pet dog from the table or allowing them to eat food that dropped on the floor. Service dogs cannot do that! Those are already formed habits that would have to be corrected. They MUST be well behaved out in public which includes not sniffing which includes other people, animals, or food, not picking things or food up unless commanded to, not focusing on a child, squirrel, etc… focus needs to be on the handler and tasks trained to help the handler, barking is considered disruptive unless it is a trained command for alert or get help and used correctly, not using the bathroom or marking in stores or non-designated areas, not pulling to the end of lead (that is considered not being in control of your dog)… a SD should be right with the handler unless commanded otherwise such as pulling or opening a door, and the list goes on.

So you may find a lot of time has to go into re-training to correct habits already formed if you choose to attempt training a pet dog you already have. It can be done in some cases with some dogs, however you will be putting in additional time correcting any unacceptable behaviors. So that is something to keep in mind as well.

Okay, I think I’m writing a book here. 😉 So let me close with this, quality service dogs are awesome! I support them 110% and then some, I have seen firsthand how they change lives for those with disabilities, as well as for the family, for the better. They are by all means worth every second of time, work, and money that goes into them… and even worth the wait time it takes to train one or wait for one to be trained for you. But they are not a rush to or quick decision to make, and they are not a cure all. They will be your partner, and your lifeline if you choose to use one and honestly need one. Please take the time to do the research, think about what you need, as well as what they need.

I hope this helps answer many of the questions that have come to me.

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

PTSD and Cognitive or Memory Issues

PTSD and Cognitive or Memory Issues

I was asked what it is like with cognitive dysfunction and memory issues being a huge part of our everyday lives. So let me explain…

A prime example was a few days ago, Craig looked at me and asked, “So what project are you working on next?” I sat there for a second and realized what type of day it was going to be, not that that is a bad thing, I don’t view it that way anymore, but it told me what was in front of us. It was one of the more severe cognitive days. To Craig, it was just an honest question because to him he did not know.

See, last week we talked in depth, over multiple days about my next projects. We talked about what I wanted with these projects, what he wanted, threw around different ideas of likes and dislikes, how to move things around, where to put things, etc. I am always working on something, so that part seems to stick in his memory, it’s a part of my daily routine to work a little on something. I am also doing some extra Spring cleaning before starting some projects, as well as have a couple of outside projects I am working on getting to. So we had talked about these.

So, I’ve spent the past week preparing, a little each day. But to Craig, it just did not “stick” in his brain what we had talked about. This is something that has been a part of our lives for years now, we are used to it and know how to manage it.

The cognitive problems can lead to repeating things, not understanding that something has taken place, or something was said, the confusion, frustration and/or anger that comes with it, misplacing things, not recognizing the body’s signs of being hungry or not knowing if he has drank fluids or not… or believing he has when he hasn’t, same with showering, brushing teeth, etc, medications have to be given to him not just taken… for safety reasons, not recalling people’s or pets names… that includes my name as well. There are also many safety protocols we have in place.

Movies, something that is no big deal in reality but, 😉 do you know how many times a person with cognitive issues can watch the same movie and not realize it? Not recall any details of the movie? I believe we are up to 13 times for the same movie, for multiple movies watched at home. How do I respond? I just go with it! I don’t mind re-watching movies anyway.

So, those are just a few of the many things that are a part of daily life for us. The best way I can describe it, is he has to have guidance with many things each day, things that he can’t or does not know to do by himself, things that many people don’t even have to think about to accomplish.

I have actually documented things, to see if there is any rhyme or reason behind different things, because with PTSD‬ as well as depression‬, there can be concentration issues and lack of focus due to anxiety, flashbacks take one away from reality while they are occurring, dissociative episodes are the same way, and other things that some things may be related to other than true cognitive or memory issues. There has still not been any rhyme or reason discovered to why some things stick and other things don’t when it comes to true memory or cognitive issues. Some things or bits and pieces of, flow in and out of memory. Then some things are just not there at all any longer.

These things are a part of both of our everyday lives, but there are days that are worse than others, really just like any other symptoms or medical conditions. There are going to be somewhat better days then there will be the really bad ones.

Don’t worry, I’m not by any means throwing Craig to the wolves here lol! Craig likes for me to write about things we go through, with total honesty. He says it helps him. So, I’m just bringing an understanding about how life is different for us, as well as many others. By the way, Craig approves what I write about and many times will ask me to write about things so he has kind of a record of things to look back on. 😉

(Just to note here for Craig… he uses my writings as a guideline to help with cognitive issues and as reminders. 😉 I am working on re-flooring my son’s bedroom, painting inside, forming a ground level stone area to sit the outside fire pit on… so I don’t have to keep moving it to mow or have to weed-eat it, and re-doing the backdoor stones that have shifted.)

I do want to state up front, I am using the term “cognitive” more than “memory” because doctors are honestly not sure what to call what Craig experiences and cannot answer what term fits best. He has multiple diagnoses along with PTSD… overlapping symptoms, and I have basically been told to back off from using the term “memory” as much, which is what doctors have always used as well, until they are able to sort out exactly what ALL he is and has been going through the past 11 years. “Cognitive dysfunction” is a term that has been used since day one no matter what other terms have been additionally used (“memory loss” and “memory impairment, which long term memory has been affected just as short term memory has been), so for now we will stick to “cognitive dysfunction”, which has been described as dementia like symptoms he experiences.

I have been asked, “How do you handle this as the spouse?” and “What is this like for the two of you?”

I think the simple answer is, I handle these days with extreme patience. Back at the beginning though, patience was not something that was understood as needed. It was the quick comments of, “You already said that“, “I don’t understand why we are discussing this again“, “We already talked about this“, “That never happened” or “Why did you do that?“, “You said you would do… but did not.“, “Why did you go here when you said you were going there to take care of…“, etc. It was pretty frustrating, not only for myself, but for both of us, some situations came across as untruthful when in reality to him he was telling the truth, not recalling things lead to arguments.

I guess the best way to describe days like the other day, which was based around conversations and what I have already accomplished around the house and am working on, is they are like deja vu to me. Like the day is replaying itself, which in a sense it is, to me at least. I know we have already gone through this (whatever it may be based around), or something similar, but outcomes are not always the same. The fact is, this is life, this is what it is, and we go with it and make the best of each day.

I do prompt Craig at times, or give some small amount of information, if the situation is correct for it (in other words, as long as safety is not an issue), it’s a way to try to help him and his brain function, work at recalling things or part of things, and at times can help to a certain point. The brain is like a muscle, and it does take exercise, as well as this also helps spark the neurons in the brain. So the prompting is important to do, but there is a limit if higher levels of frustration and PTSD start stepping forward, so there has to be a healthy balance.

I don’t know if you would call it an advantage or disadvantage really (the repeating things). At times it is easier the second or third time around because I kind of know what’s coming, what his thoughts were last time, or where things lead, especially with conversations, so I know how to respond or better yet, how not to respond. But yet on the other hand lol it’s coming again and I know it will be a day of listening and having the same conversations again, having great patience, and understanding/empathy of what he is going through, and just going along with the repeat of the day, which doesn’t really bother me anymore. It took time for me to understand what he goes through in order to know how to respond or to know what I need to do, how to handle what he experiences. I’ll be honest, at times it’s still frustrating, but it’s something I understand and accept so I can also let go of frustration easily if it comes, so I can help him through the day.

But to Craig he does not comprehend that something has already taken place, to him it’s new. I think the toughest part for him is knowing me so well or seeing how other people react to him. There are times that he picks up on my pause to answer… looking for the right words or me already knowing it’s best to just listen and not reply, my/others facial expressions or lack of at times, me sitting too quiet while I listen again, in general my/other’s body language.

See, just because he has cognitive problems does not mean he is any less intelligent. Sure, he has lost part of what he had learned, some things take longer to accomplish, or he has to look up how to do something now, but he is still intelligent. When he picks up on something it’s now an instant “We already talked about this, haven’t we?” or “That already happened, didn’t it?“. He can many times put those pieces together even though whatever it or the situation is, for lack of better words, is gone. Then at times he gets frustrated, irritated, with himself and tries to recall things. That leads to a lot of negative thoughts towards himself which are not good for him… the “Wow did that make me feel stupid“, “They really looked at me like I am crazy“, etc. He can’t help or control his cognitive function, he tries though. I’ll give him a big “good job” on that one, he always tries with everything.

We have a lot of days where we will sit and just talk, he’s learned to state “I am just really lost today”, express to me how he is feeling which in turn helps me up front know how to help manage the day. There are many times where he will ask me to tell him about a photo, an event, what he did yesterday or what he had for dinner the night before, etc. Or, if I mention something and he has that blank look on his face I will just go ahead, second nature, and tell the story to him or what went on based around whatever my comment or his was if i already see lack of recalling is frustrating him. I learned to read his body language too, so I can tell when there is a “blank space” there and it needs something to fill the gap. We learned to talk and communicate, which has made it more manageable for both of us. I don’t view it as we have settled into a routine, I view it as we always try new things and use what works best.

Craig and I really work as a team. We have had doctors state in writing “His wife IS the other half of his memory” (oops there’s that word). We have had doctors state “He can’t make it without your help.”, which I have been his full time “official” caregiver for over three years now. We have heard all sorts of things, honest statements of facts. But even so, there are many that frown on this, they feel it causes him to rely on me too much. Fact is, they just don’t understand, at least not yet, what his disabilities are like and how we do things, our rules/boundaries we have for each other, and that we do what we have to in order for Craig, as well as we as a family, to be able to function. This view and lack of understanding from others is probably one of our toughest battles, but at the same time we have had this as a part of our lives for so long now, that majority of the time we just let things or comments roll off our backs, so to speak. Negativity from others just can’t be a part of life with battling what we do to step forward each day.

I watched Craig fall into the deepest hole there is when cognitive dysfunction, PTSD, etc. became a part his life. It took time to pull him out of it, and honestly it still pays a huge toll on him daily. But we learned how to manage it together the best possible, basically what he could/can not honestly manage alone. We have those who don’t understand that Craig goes through different things now, that if he is going to spend time with you, without me or someone from our home around that understands how to manage things when they come, there are things you need to know, there are ways of doing/saying or not doing/saying things. There is an overlap in symptoms which does cause life to be managed differently, and that cannot be dismissed.

We have been told in the past that we are co-dependent on each other. There have been ones concerned that it was unhealthy. Which is not the complete truth, which was proven, but we still went through the accusations of what comes with this type of disability being at hand. Not to state this in a negative way, but I can function and manage life on my own, independently… which is healthy for me to be able to do. Craig could/can no longer do that. I’m not saying that to sound mean or like I don’t care, it’s just a fact and what comes with this type of disability. We will never lose hope that things can get better for him, he and we will always try, but on the other hand we are not blind to the facts either, it has been 11 years and a lot of professional help. There is a different type of bond that does form, how could there not be? But co-dependent, as in a negative aspect of the term, no that’s not a fitting term in our case.

But, there is also the humorous sense or side that comes with this type of life and disability. Humor is important and healthy in the right situations. Due to the cognitive issues, Craig does not recall what he likes or does not like… especially foods! 😉 If it is on his plate or I fix something, his brain processes it as “I must like that” and he will eat it. He now eats a lot of healthy foods that he did not like or would have never eaten before! Again, those body signs come into play, he will eat something then recognize the grin on my face, it’s hard to hide the grin. Next thing that comes? “Do I like this or is this a new food you gave me?” My response 😉 “Looks like you like it to me”. 🙂

We did also go through the kids playing on dad’s cognitive issues when they were younger, and mom here had to put a foot down to it. If one of them was in trouble, had something taken away, were told they couldn’t do something, etc. they learned rather quickly that they could wait for mom to be out of sight and ask dad if it was okay to do something, etc. Of course dad would say “Sure”. So, there became a lot of “What did mom say?” over time. Now, with the kids, Craig is still included in everything, decision making, and we talk about things regarding the kids. It’s important even with the cognitive issues that he remain involved, it’s important for him, his self-esteem and self-worth, as well as good for the kids. Now, will he recall any of it later? Normally not but that’s OKAY!

Bottom line is, cognitive dysfunction or memory issues, no matter what the reason for it is, it’s tough. There are a lot of things that come with it. I will tell you that, and Craig will tell you that, it’s just a fact. But, there are so many things and ways of learning how to live with it, learning how to manage things differently, and continuing to live and work towards positive things. I still love Craig the same, I still view him the same ways as I did before his disabilities. You never lose hope, you never stop trying, and you remember to still live. Life is just simply different than what others view as normal or what life used to be like for us. And hey, some things you get a second chance to try again. 😉

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

Service Dogs for PTSD (or other disabilities): Part 1

Service Dogs for PTSD (or other disabilities): Part 1

Okay, I’m breaking my own rules here, I am going to talk about Service Dogs for a moment! But first, I want to share something that is special to our family…

It was four years ago today that I made a trip to the local animal shelter to see this crazy, goofy looking, little pup that Craig insisted that I take a look at and test… that he saw online, to see if it would be a match to him, and capable of being trained for the job of his service dog. Sure enough, the pup tested wonderfully and was a good match to Craig. That day we named the silly pup “Alex”.

I trained Alex to mitigate Craig’s disabilities, put in the time… hundreds of hours, effort, and a lot of daily/nightly work including task training. Alex by all means could carry the title service dog, however he is NOT a service dog. Craig has chosen not to use a service dog (at least at this point), which is OKAY! Alex works for Craig at home and is a wonderful part of our family. I could not imagine our lives without him! I think the picture collage to this says it all. 😉 These are random photos from day one of Alex being with us to present time.

For those of you that do not know much about tasks or are just starting to learn, let me tell you about the photos. They include retrieving items (due to memory/cognitive issues), alerting to people or unusual sounds, working depression, nose/scent work… which he is trained to alert to migraines, he also does house searches, helps with getting one with PTSD‬ and/or depression‬ outside, grounding from nightmares… he is also trained to get me out of the bed when nightmares start if I’m not already awake, working anxiety and grounding from triggers, grounding from flashbacks and helping maintain focus. There is a list of other things he is trained as well. 😉 For a more complete list and my personal writings regarding service dogs, please visit the service dog section of my blog…
“My Journal: Service Dogs” A Spouse’s Story PTSD

So now that I’ve taken a moment to be so very thankful for Alex, let’s get to the service dog talk!

I do want to state up front, I do NOT like spam. 😉 So please do not post specific names, trainers, or organizations. I have found it’s better to keep SD talk in general.

There is one major thing that I have discovered when talking about service dogs… Many do not know or have not seen a “quality trained” service dog! There are many out there, however do you know what they look like, act like, and what they should be like? There unfortunately are many people that take their pets out into public as “service dogs” when they in reality are not or are not trained correctly for the job at hand. Which in return makes it extremely difficult for the true service dog teams.

So I thought, how can I show others what a true service dog looks like? How can I show the extensive hours of work that goes into them? What is a true service dog like out in public (I found a good video that shows the differences as well 😉 )? I mean come on, there are some awesome obedience dogs out there, why can’t they be a service dog? Because a service dog MUST be specifically trained tasks to mitigate a disability, and the handler must be disabled and need a service dog. Not every great pet or obedient, loving, dog will be able to complete to a full service dog working status, just a fact. Even though all dogs are awesome in their own ways and we love them, it does not mean they can all be service dogs.

So I set out on a mission… to find videos for you to watch, that show what quality is and tasks trained for different disabilities. Boy was that a serious mission, lol! Finding quality service dogs (or good examples of SDiT) at work, exercising tasks correctly, and not just people telling about their SD or advertising for someone… was a difficult task. But I found some. 🙂

Just to note: Myself, this page, and my website are in no way affiliated to any of the following people, trainers, or organizations. I have not personally seen these dogs in action or met their handlers, and have not visited any facilities which may be linked to the following videos. They are NOT in any specific order. The videos just show the quality of what I look for to be in a true service dog. 😉 that I wanted you to be able to see.

Tribute to an Assistance Dog

David and Saint skills“- Canines for Service

Psychiatric Service Dog Tasks (pressure)“- Rebecca Potenberg

Block/Cover Training“- ServiceDog Vlog
… And let me tell you, this young lady has done a great job! So you may learn a lot from her other videos too. (please note this is a fully trained service dog which is being re-trained from wheelchair work to chutches, so learning a new position for this task)

Canines for Service Skills Demo“- Canines For Service

How to train a one way alert to service dogs (hearing and medical alert dogs)“- Donna Hill
…This is another great trainer to watch even if you are not self-training. By watching Donna’s videos, they give you a good idea of what is involved with training a service dog, as well as seeing the quality results.

Service Dogs and Public Etiquette” (Bad and Good etiquette examples)

So today as we enjoy AND appreciate Alex being such a huge part of our lives, and Craig’s life… even though he does NOT carry the title service dog, I hope those of you that have been curious and asking questions about service dogs enjoy the videos I found. 😉

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“PTSD vs Avoidance”

“PTSD vs Avoidance”

You know how you do things and just don’t think about it? Well, back when I first injured my knee I was headed for another cup of coffee, bummed knee so hobbling, and I thought, why don’t I go the other way through the kitchen? It’s a pass through kitchen and I take the long way…every time. So I turned direction and went the other way, the shorter way. Then I realized why I take the long way…there’s not a light switch for the kitchen at the other end.

**Again, I’m not a doctor of any sort and can not give medical advice. These are only my personal opinions and experiences.**

Ahhh…I was going somewhere with that, wasn’t I? 😉 One of the true symptoms of PTSD‬ is avoidance. You avoid crowds, gatherings, family, friends, events, relationships, the news, tv or newspapers in general, maybe things that seem simple to others such as a trip to the grocery store, emotions, thoughts, etc. You may avoid getting close to others, relationships (emotional or physical). The list is endless.

Are you really avoiding all of those things? Or are you really avoiding the “what if” that comes with them? The situation which may arise or happen? The feeling that you are different? The mind set of something bad is going to happen? The chance of a trigger happening? The avoidance of feeling or emotion?

Avoiding things has it’s good as well as it’s bad that comes with it. It’s a way of coping right then and there, short term. It helps you get through a situation or the what if’s. You might feel like you want to cry, or on the flip side lash out. Avoiding the thoughts and emotions of what you have been through can help keep these things from happening. One that many do, you get quiet. Which at times, and I clearly state at times, can help avoid tricky or uncomfortable situations, arguments, conflicts, and helps give you time to cope and think… which can be a good thing.

However, long term avoidance can be more damaging. Avoiding things and seeing it helped you hold back those feelings or did avoid that tricky situation, can lead you to being numb. Pulling you away from family and friends or even things you used to enjoy doing. I know, that feeling of if I face it am I going to lose control or something bad happen? Control of the tears, control of the anger, and everything else that may come with it. Are expectations going to come?

Sometimes you have to just have that trust, that trust within yourself. If I face this, I won’t lose control, I can have a grip on it. Sometimes it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to face things…you are human!

I have watched my husband become a hermit because of PTSD avoidance along with it’s other symptoms, and depression. I have also seen him bounce back at times for small amounts of time. And when he does find the strength to face some things, it’s not easy! Anxiety goes through the roof. But I also see his reaction when he has made it through something, done something, gone through a motion even without emotion…and nothing bad happened! That smirk on his face of ”I did it.” That smirk is priceless!

Walking out that front door is one of the hardest things for him to do. It takes a lot and every ounce of energy he has, and many times I do kindly remind him it’s healthy to go outside, how he will feel better when he does even through the anxiety and what if’s. The fresh air, seeing things around you other then four walls, the sounds of nature. It all plays a roll in being the best you can be, even if it’s just for that moment.

Mark it on a calendar, I’m being serious! “Today I made it outside for 10 minutes”. Do you know what that can do? Come tomorrow when you look at that calendar you might think “Wow, yesterday I went outside for 10 minutes. Hum, today I can make it for 15.” It gives you something to look at, to put into perspective of what you accomplished and a goal to work forward from. Maybe today is a day you can’t pull yourself from your bedroom. Mark that too. When you start seeing on paper, in your own handwriting, hey I haven’t made it from my bedroom in 4 days, what do you think you will do? I bet you make it to the living room. 😉 It’s okay to have those bad days, they are going to be there, but they are also something to build from.

I always direct you back to a wall calendar. My reason, you can see it plotted out by days. You can see how many days have passed by, you can see accomplishments you have made, you can figure out where you want to improve things from here. How about “Today I didn’t have any triggers”, then another day you might have 4, write them on there. It helps you notice the triggers and at times may help you figure out exactly what they are. It can help you face them in a way that you don’t feed the avoidance…with your own writing. You can also flip back when you want to an look at things. Just something to think about. 😉

There is something else that works really well that a doctor told us once. Take a sheet of paper. Write down what it is, whether it’s a fear, something you want to do, etc. Then make 2 rows. In one row write what would be positive or accomplished…the facts of the situation. In the second row write the negative or the facts that could lead to a negative outcome… the facts. Everything is based on the facts. For example, “I don’t want to go on a cruise because the ship will sink.” Okay, that might very well be true, but what are the odds? Take the facts and numbers of how many incidents have in reality happened and weigh them against the unlikeliness of it happening. Odds are, you are more apt to have a good time and enjoy your trip than the likeliness of the ship sinking. You can use this method for viewing the reality on paper which can lead you past the fear to try. No, I’m not saying the fear will just disappear, we know it doesn’t, but it gives you a factually based guideline to help you do something that you would normally avoid.

Avoidance is going to be there, it’s all a part of PTSD and what you have been through and I’m by no means saying it’s not. However, sometimes in some situations looking at the facts can help you get through the avoiding feelings and help you get a little piece of life back that you thought or feel is gone. You might just find out that you are stronger than a lot of those avoiding feelings. Again, it won’t happen every time, so don’t view yourself as a failure if something doesn’t work out, but trying will make you stronger and help you find new boundaries to your limits of avoidance… as well as the limits you thought were there that you can step past, even if it’s just a small step.

PTSD is so overwhelming that you can lose sight, and focus on the “who I was”, “what I was”, “I let you down”, “I’m such a burden”. Getting past that, or to a better place than you are right now is hard! Beyond words! Finding the good and positive in things is a difficult task and no one can do it for you. It’s a step you have to take or try for yourself. Does it make the horrors go away, no. Does it make the triggers stop, no. Does it stop the anxiety, no. Does it stop avoidance, no but it can help. But does it put things into a perspective you can understand and look at? Yes. It helps you with the avoidance.

Battling avoidance… Easier said than done? Absolutely! But then again, what in life is easy? Especially when PTSD is with you. Nothing! The calender idea and making a fact sheet are just a couple of ways for you to be able to learn and watch your path, to see when coping is needed as well as what does or does not really need to be avoided, and simple ways that may help you learn to live again. There are many things you can try. PTSD is not the end, I refuse to believe that! You all are worth more than anything that could be put into words.

A simple example. How many of you have avoided posting on here? I bet at times every single one of you. I know I myself bit my tongue at times. 😉 Why? Because someone may judge you? Someone might not like what you say? Someone might think you are crazy? SO WHAT! Do those things really matter? You are who you are, and that is a very special human being. One thing you think and don’t post, know what that one thing might do? It might just save someone’s life, might make another person stop and think, it might even educate someone close to you that didn’t understand you or PTSD. Look to the good my friends, at times it’s there and just hidden or masked… and you might be surprised at what you find there. (And no, I don’t expect everyone to post! I leave that to each of you and your comfort zone! That was simply an example 😉 )

Sometimes avoiding things is needed, but other times it’s not. Will I stop taking the short way to the kitchen when it’s dark? Yes, I sure will, there’s no way of having light from that way. But will I take the short way when it’s daylight? Yes, it helps me with my bummed knee. There’s 2 ways to look at everything, always remember that. 😉

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Helpless, Hopeless, and “This isn’t fair”

spouse partner PTSD

Helpless, Hopeless, and “This isn’t fair”

As a spouse, I remember when I felt those things, I remember saying those words “This isn’t fair”. I remember the endless days of crying, asking who was this person I am married to, I remember complaining about the changes in life as well as our relationship. I remember feeling the deepest darkest place I had ever felt in my lifetime, and thinking there was no way out and no where to run to. I also remember the thoughts of “How do I save him… and us… and how do I save myself?”

I will also be the first to admit that at times SOME of those feelings do return for a brief moment, depending on the situation at hand. Those are all a part of grieving, part of the process that comes with the changes in life, and a part of you yourself changing.

Those things can also cause a person to become “stuck”. Just because you are a spouse/partner or family member does not mean you can’t or won’t experience becoming stuck, just like one with PTSD can experience.

But I learned a lot through those stages that seemed so unbearable. They also made me the person I am today! And that’s not patting myself on the back, because I am only one person, and I am human just like the next person, and I’m sure not perfect.

I was stuck, once. I did not even realize it. I was in such a grieving and dwelling stage due to all of the changes, the unknowns, everything we lost, desperately trying to figure out what changed in Craig and why along with everything else we were experiencing. But then something changed…

Years back now, I had a Vietnam Veteran Spouse get blunt with me. She said in a very blunt way, “Bec, get over your pity party.” Oh I got mad, I was appalled that someone would say that to me with everything we were going through, with the hurt I felt, with how lost I was in what was happening. I thought how could someone be so cold hearted towards me? Then the next thing I knew the anger turned into crying.

I thought to myself, why am I crying? Why aren’t I still mad at her for what she said to me? How she said it to me. Why all of a sudden do I feel different now? Today, I can sit here and tell you why.

Because she told me that out of concern and love! It took another spouse telling me in a blunt way, for me to realize I was stuck. And it was one of the most important things that changed my life, my husband’s life, as well as our family’s lives. I was given a serious push forward, that was needed!

Every single person has the right to cry, to scream, to get mad, to feel that life is unfair. But you cannot allow yourself to get stuck there. You have to feel, grieve, process, but then you have to take steps forward. If you don’t, the days ahead of you are going to become overwhelming and possibly unbearable.

I get asked, literally every day, “Bec, How do you do it? How do you keep going, maintain a positive attitude, and stay healthy even with everything you and Craig continue to go through? How do you take care of everything? How do you balance this life and your family?”

The answer is actually rather simple. I learned how to prevent myself from becoming stuck…

I make the time to process things, I have support people I trust and can vent to when I need to. Notice the term “complain” turned to “vent”? There is an important difference. Complaining brings becoming stuck and brings an unbalance, venting helps you find ways to move forward and also brings forward others that want to help because you are trying instead of complaining, and they can give opinions that may help or may just be an ear to listen.

I cry when I need to and allow myself to experience the feelings or emotions I have at the moment then know to move forward.

I learned and accepted that I am only human and not a superhero that can save the world.

I remember to see the positive things in life, I use humor when appropriate, and I learned to make the best of each day no matter what it contains. Tomorrow is never promised, a very hard fact of life that you cannot forget.

I am feet planted firmly that if there is a “why” to something… I’m going to look for an answer and/or find a solution or what will work best for the situation.

I learned to take care of myself mentally and physically, which is a must do!

I learned coping skills and techniques, and I practice them daily whether they are needed or not, because they help me maintain a personal balance which leads to maintaining a family balance.

I learned that I, like everyone else, do have limits and where to draw the line when those limits come… boundaries are healthy for everyone.

I also learned that if I need help, it’s okay to ask for it!

I also had to learn and accept that nothing happens over night, there is not a quick fix to anything, but patience, trying, learning, and giving things time… can bring huge positive changes.

These things don’t make me or you any less of a person. They make us stronger!

Helpless, Hopeless, and “This isn’t fair”? Sure, every single one of us will feel those things and that way at some point in time, maybe more than once as life changes. This life contains PTSD‬ and everything that comes with it, and no, it’s not fair… to anyone, and it’s sure not fair to the person who has PTSD either. They did not ask for PTSD. It’s not easy, every single day may bring a new challenge or many new ones, some days will make your head spin.

What you do or choose to do, how you choose to view things, those will be what bring changes. I will not sit here and tell anyone to “Get over your pity party”, but I will tell you what can help you, to prevent becoming stuck. 😉

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

You asked for photos… so here they are! ;)


Morning. 🙂

Well yesterday was for sure a busy day, lol. The teens had fun, I got to see my side of the family for my dad’s birthday for a few hours, and I did manage to get my hair colored before the busy day started. And… for those of you that wanted to see my hair (no, I have not had it cut yet) and those that mentioned that you would like to see or I needed to post an updated photo of me lol, since I’m always the one taking photos around here and avoid the camera haha 😉 these are for you… the face behind the keyboard and writing. 😉 Photos taken yesterday.

Now, let’s get this new day going… with coffee in hand of course. 😉


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That dreaded comment that cuts the deepest for me… As a Caregiver.

That dreaded comment that cuts the deepest for me… 
As a Caregiver.

So… I’ve been up for awhile now, hours throughout the night actually, coffee already done for the day. I’ve been sitting here just thinking this morning. You know, even after so many years of needing to be a caregiver, the awareness that I provide to others, the personal things regarding our lives that Craig and I share in hopes of helping others, there are still those that I can do nothing but shake my head at. I won’t judge them, but I do hope to educate them.

As much as I would not wish this life on anyone… ever, at times the thought does cross my mind “If only you could spend a few days in either of our shoes.” (NO disrespect towards Craig or anyone else with disabilities intended by any means, with any of the following. I am writing this in hopes of giving others a little insight.) Sometimes I think that would be the only way for some people to understand what life is really like for us. Just come spend some time here and see for yourself, firsthand what our days and lives consist of. Sure the first few days one with PTSD and/or other disabilities may be able to wear a mask, put on a good front, but that mask does come off eventually and real life can be seen.

You know, my husband did not ask for his disabilities and sure not the combination of disabilities he has. I never dreamed that I would ever be in a caregiver role taking care of him, especially not at our ages. We were both working professionals. But it’s the hand in life we were dealt and we do the best we both, and each of us can to make it through each day. Craig will tell you in a heartbeat that I am the only reason he is still alive, and that’s by no means a pat on the back, no one should ever have to say that, but it is what this life brings.

It never fails, every year when the weather starts warming up and I mention I got outside (which I won’t stop mentioning), someone mentions that heart gouging comment “It must be nice to be able to do whatever you want to, whenever you want to, while the rest of us are working”.

I don’t get mad at that comment anymore, it’s simply just a person who does not understand our lives. But, that does not prevent it from cutting deep when it’s said.

The old saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”, well there you have it, we would love to be the ones ABLE to go to work every day. We would love to be the ones able to take a date night without PTSD‬ and all of the symptoms on constant alert or not making it even possible. We would love to be the ones able to have family gatherings and be able to remain at them the entire time, or throw parties, gatherings of friends, attend events or school functions anytime we wanted to, etc etc etc.

We try hard every single day, just to be able to make it to the next does take a lot, but those things other people in reality take for granted, have not been a part of our lives for a very, very long time… years. It it’s not because we have not tried, and we do continue to work towards those things being a part of life again.

The comment made directly at me really shows a lack of understanding. I am a full time caregiver. That is a 24/7 “job”, without the title to call it “employment”. It does not come with retirement benefits, it does not come with being able to set my own schedule or do my own thing whenever I want to. It does not even come with a regular time to sleep. But it does come with a demanding and rigorous routine of taking care of someone else so they can still exist and function in this world, to try to live at whatever level is possible.

Those that can work, your job relies on you to show up and do your job when you are scheduled to. When your work schedule for the day is done, you are free to do whatever you want to or what you as a family or friends do together, you can go where you want when you want to once your work day is done. As a caregiver, my “job” is another human being relying on me 24/7, and there is not a time clock to punch out on. My “job” does not stop just because the clock hits a certain hour or reached a 40 hour work week. My “job” as a caregiver is here, at home, around the clock. Another person’s life depends on it, on me.

Sure, I could continue working and not be the one taking care of my husband, it is a choice a family has to make per family based on what will be best, and there is a lot involved with making a decision of what is best. But when you weigh the pro’s and con’s what do you come up with? For me, to work away from home I would have to hire someone to come in and take care of him then when I got off work I would still be taking care of him until a hired caregiver came back for me to leave for work again. That would still leave me working around the clock, as well as additional expenses which cannot go dismissed. Or, my husband would have to be placed into a full time assisted living facility, what do you think that would cause him on top of what he already goes through with his disabilities?… He’s only 44 years old now and has a combination of disabilities. I have been taking care of him for 10 years, officially through a newer caregiver program for just over 3 years. At this point in time, a facility is not an option that would be in his best interest, and his doctors back that decision. He is best here at home in a familiar environment, and with his family taking care of him. And I have no issues with that, and am thankful I can be here for him.

But there’s another part to being a caregiver. In order to maintain that “job” of taking care of another person, you HAVE to take care of yourself also. If you don’t, you will become worn out, overwhelmed, start having health issues of your own, and you will eventually fail at being able to help that person who needs you and relies on you.

When I state “I got to soak up some sunshine today”, it is really heartbreaking at the number of people who view that in a negative way. That is approximately one hour, one hour, of my day that I get to myself in order to take care of myself in a way that is good for me, which in return is good for my husband because it helps me maintain my personal balance and health. It’s also an hour that I have to make sure that someone else is here for my husband, that knows how to take care of him while I’m outside for that one hour. That one simple hour comes with a lot more to get it than just walking out my back door and opening my lounge chair to enjoy the sunshine.

Several years back now, that hour was only 10 minutes per day, if I was lucky. I now get one hour per day, most days but not all, and one day per week or every other week “off” when someone else is here. (As a caregiver I am REQUIRED to take a minimum of 30 days per year of respite care/time, which I do.) That is a huge accomplishment to build up to when being a caregiver. And not all caregivers are at that level of “me time”, self-care time yet.

Now, imagine working a job that was 24/7, and the only break you got was 10 minutes per day. I guarantee you, you would not survive for very long, at least not without consequences. I can make that guarantee because I myself was there once and know exactly what it causes, even with my strong will, determined, hardheaded self I am lol, 10 minutes per day is not enough break time for anyone to survive a 24/7 “job”, and remain healthy.

I will take that a little further, why do you think many of these unseen disabilities are even so? I can tell you, because one pushed themselves so hard for so long through whatever they were faced with (including traumas for many), and kept on going, many were in positions where there was not a choice, they did what they had to do, and now many of them have unseen disabilities due to it all.

Those people making the “it must be nice” comments, should be happy for me when I take time to take care of myself, or for any other caregiver or person with disabilities that succeeds in doing things that many take for granted in everyday life. Those what seem to be simple things, are in reality large accomplishments, and also ways and things to take care of themselves.

I do not understand anyone, to be blunt about it, who is jealous of a person who is a caregiver and the life they live, or jealous of one who suffers with disabilities, all because one can’t work. Those who are jealous are simply uneducated to what this life really contains for caregivers, as well as those with disabilities.

Before making comments such as “It must be nice to… while the rest of us have to work”, consideration of what that person’s life actually consists of with or beside one with disabilities really needs to take place. I guarantee you they would rather be in your shoes but are making the best of this life they know how to.

Judging another person’s life, when you in reality don’t know what their life is like unless you are seeing it firsthand beside them 24/7, is just uncalled for, and can be damaging. Don’t do it, have a heart… you would want them to if it were you in their shoes.

I am proud and honored to have the ability to be my husband’s caregiver, to be able to provide him with the care he needs, and to live this life beside him. I do miss working, so does he, but I have NO regrets of the “job” I do now. Life just changed, for both of us.

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

The short story behind the “I thought you were single” comment

The short story behind the “I thought you were single” comment that I mentioned in yesterday’s posting, and was asked to write about.

You know, when life contains PTSD and Depression, one just does not get out of the house as much, at least it’s that way for many, and for Craig.

I was taking Alex out and one of the neighbors was outside at the same time. So we started talking. In the conversation I was asked, “How do you manage to do everything by yourself?” It seemed like a harmless question to me. I responded with, “Well, I just do what I have to do, to the best ability I can.” Then I was told, “You have that property, your house is not the smallest by any means, you have the dogs, and a mom on top of it. I don’t know how you manage everything with your husband no longer around.”

Yes, the woman who is rarely speechless was at a loss for words.

I stood there for a moment to digest what was just said. Then I asked, “What do you mean?” I was curious at this point to hear a response, lol.

Then the neighbor was non-stop, “Well, I’m not sure the situation and did not want to bring it up, or did not know how to ask you. But did you two divorce, I never thought that was it honestly, did your husband pass away? I used to see him outside from time to time and have not seen him in, well, almost a year I guess. Has it been a year? Maybe longer than that? I felt like I needed to come talk to you, but was not sure how to bring it up without making you feel bad or maybe stirring up bad or sad feelings. But you are a great neighbor and you are so alone over here trying to do everything by yourself. I know your son is around, but he works a lot. You are raising that beautiful daughter of your’s all by yourself now. That’s got to be hard. Oh, and she’s just an absolute sweetheart of a child, very polite and well mannered, I see her outside with the dogs quite often. How are your kids taking this? How are you doing? Are you okay? When you all moved in, what 4 or so years ago, your husband was outside more, you two seemed so happy together, then over time I saw less and less of him. He must have been away a lot. This has got to be so hard on you, I figured he passed away, I was told he had some type of health issues. You must really miss him, it’s sad, heartbreaking, but you do a good job keeping everything up and your kids are just great kids. I want you to know that I notice, and you are doing a great job. I could not imagine being your young age and having to handle everything on my own. You are a very strong person, but you must miss him greatly. You are always smiling, how do you do it? I would be a wreck…”

I just let the neighbor talk lol, without interrupting. To say the least it went on for awhile, I just stood there smiling and listening… and I had plenty of time while the neighbor was talking to think about how to answer all of the questions and comments made. 😉

Then finally a break in the one sided conversation. The neighbor said, “Are you doing okay with being alone?”, and waited for an answer.

I then replied, “It is tough at times feeling alone, but I cope very well. I take time to myself, take good care of myself, have my hobbies and dogs, the kids do keep me busy and are doing great. Of course I love doing yard work, so that’s no issue, it gets me outside. And other than that, I’m inside taking care of the house… and my husband.”

You could have heard a pin drop! Silence.

Then finally the silence broke and I heard an “OH! I thought you were single now!” I smiled a little bigger and simple said that my husband does have disabilities and no he does not get out of the house much at all, that I do take care of him full time. But no, he did not die.

The neighbor went right into apologizing. “I am so sorry! I had no clue. Other neighbors thought he had passed away because no one sees him outside anymore, we only see you and the kids from time to time out. Oh that must be hard, you two are so young! Too young to be going through this.”

I simply replied with, “It’s just life, and we live it the best possible. But thank you for your concern, I appreciate it, and all of the compliments.”

So… that was pretty much it, lol. You have to just chuckle at what people think and start saying when they just assume things. So when Craig made his appearance outside when another neighbor got their vehicle stuck, it really meant a lot in many ways other than the obvious of Craig making it outside. And the new neighbors were happy to meet him for the first time. I joked with the neighbor lady (not the neighbor that had that conversation with me) her and I had talked about other neighbors thinking I was single, and I said “See, I do actually have a husband, lol”. We had a good chuckle over it.

I joked with Craig and said maybe the neighbors that don’t know us well will stop thinking you are dead and I am single now! 😉 He just smiled a half grin with a chuckle. Then I said, “See, you need to get outside more before the men start asking me questions!” LOL, he laughed at that.

Oh the things that come about when life contains PTSD and Depression. 😉 You have to just laugh some things off at times.

The moral to this: Before you assume what someone’s life is like, or start telling others what it is like… Just ask! People are more than happy to help educate others about PTSD and what life is REALLY like. 😉

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

Our neighbor’s got stuck… but LOOK at what it lead to!!!

our neighbor's got stuck

Morning 🙂
Yesterday is what I am going to call a “good day”! After months upon months of PTSD giving us it’s challenge, then other medical issues on top of it, I think it’s safe to say I saw a small glimpse of my husband yesterday.‪ PTSD‬ was by no means gone or at bay, but I saw Craig fight it with everything he had! I heard my husband laugh a little, and I was able to get him outside!!! It took some serious doings but it happened.

I sat here looking out the window yesterday, watching our neighbors try to get a boat on a trailer into the lake, with a vehicle that is not a 4×4. Now, our lake which you can tell by the many photos I post, is not a well used lake, it’s overgrown and wildlife is plentiful. The water level has finally after several years come back up. But it also means around the lake is muck. 😉 I know you can see where this is going.

YEP, they got stuck! Long story short, I watched another truck come in to try to pull it out, it got stuck too. Well, after awhile Craig woke up and asked me what I was looking at? I said with a chuckle, “The neighbors. Seems the guys decided to try to get the boat into the water with a Trail Blazer”. Craig got curious of course and started watching as well. And I heard a chuckle from him. He then said, “Didn’t you tell them about this lake?” I said, “Yep, sure did”.

So after awhile of watching, I told Craig I really think they need some help, there’s no way they are getting that vehicle out of there. Thinking he would budge. Nope, he didn’t. So I then said I was going outside to see if the neighbor lady (I called her by name) was outside, which I figured she was not missing all of this lol. Her and I have talked a lot since they moved in and I would say it’s on the path of forming a friendship. I let my son know I was going outside, he was home yesterday so it was actually a respite day for me. My plan was to soak up some sunshine lol.

Sure enough the neighbor lady came out when she saw me come to the fence. Her and I talked and laughed! She said the guys were determined to go fishing. After a little while, and the neighbor man and his best friend laughing as well, he came up from the lake and said they were not getting it out of there and needed a tow truck.

They called around, have any idea how much a tow truck costs on a Saturday, when you have a vehicle and trailer stuck in a lake? Let’s just say A LOT! I said, well let me see if I can get Craig to come out and bring the Tahoe down, it’s a 4×4, we can give it a try even though it may not do the job with me still having street tires on it, I haven’t put off road/all terrain tires on it yet.

I went back into the house and told Craig that they are really stuck, can we take the Tahoe down to see if we can help them? This was actually my second trip back into the house, the first was to get my snatch strap, so Craig knew what was going on. I told him what the tow truck was going to cost them and said it was ridiculous. I then said, “You really should come out. They have not even met you yet and have been here for a couple of months now. They are great people and I want you to meet them. That and it would really do you some good to get outside, it’s such a beautiful day out there.” It also would help considering some of our neighbors have started to think I am single! Because Craig is never seen. Oh my, that’s a whole ‘nother story within itself lol.

Craig finally gave in. No, the Tahoe could not do the job lol, not with the tires on it and we discovered the vehicle was frame bottomed out, back tires were just spinning in the water not touching anything. But Craig met the neighbors for the first time. PTSD was still there by all means (and wanted to retreat back into the house), anxiety was high, he had to step away at times and walk over to our property away from everyone, but no one minded! I talked with the ladies, and we laughed at the guys, lol, actually with them. Craig was back and forth to where the guys were, and they went with it without questions every time Craig had to step away, and let him without saying a word then would pick right back up when he would go back over to them.

Get this, ALL of them understand and know about PTSD!!! 😉 All of the new neighbors we got on our street a couple of months back are in the medical field and there has not been any stigma at all from any of them! They were just ALL awesome yesterday!!!

So, did the vehicle get pulled out of the lake? Yep, it sure did lol… I called my Dad! 😉 When all else fails, always call daddy and he can get the job done. 🙂 His 4×4 set up for off road and has a solid hitch, was able to snatch it out of there after a few tries. So I got to see my parents yesterday too for a little while.

Once it was all over Craig quickly shook hands with the guys, then retreated to the bedroom for the rest of the day/night, which was okay! That was a serious type of outside time for him with how he’s been for months now, but he did it!!! WE spent some time outside with the neighbors yesterday!!! I have to say that was one of the most awesome feelings I have felt in a very, very long time.

So what does Craig tell me last night? “Ya know Bec, they are really nice people, and funny.” That was enough for me to know that a small glimpse of Craig shined through yesterday. 😉 Oh, and everyone got to see that I do actually have a husband, LOL! 😉

Those are the type of days you hold onto, cherish them, let them bring you strength… because they are many times few and far in between coming and you never know what tomorrow will hold. But today… Coffee in hand and getting this new day going… with a smile 🙂

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

Many people just do not realize how PTSD affects your life.

Many people just do not realize how PTSD affects your life.

Last night Craig looked at me and said, “I wish I could have just one morning where when I wake up you are still asleep next to me. I miss that.”

The only thing I could respond with was, “I know. I wish the same thing. One of these days it will happen again.”

Those were the last words spoken last night. And here I sit across the room from him, with coffee in hand, listening and watching PTSD nightmares.

The things that so many people take for granted, simple things, at times are just purely impossible when PTSD is a part of life. Even though we never give up on trying.

I was asked, “You always stay on a positive note, even when things are bad or rough. But, besides the obvious, what other things have changed in life since ‪‎PTSD‬ became a part of it? The negatives.”

That’s a hard one for me to answer, but I will. I do like to focus on the positive things, and positive ways of managing this life. We have to or PTSD will take over our lives more than what it already has.

Here are a few things that changed due to PTSD:

***To state up front, none of this is in any way being disrespectful towards my husband or what he goes through (love ya babe), it’s simply the realities of what has changed in life.***

* Having to learn and accept that our lives have changed, the way our lives were is gone, and accepting that disabilities are a part of life now. We work hard every single day to make each day the best they can be, but that does not bring back the life we had.

* The example I gave. Nightmares/terrors do not allow us to sleep together or only for a limited amount of time each night. Safety has to come first, which takes away being able to wake up together. It takes away that closeness.

* Personal Connection. We do love each other dearly, but the personal connection has greatly been affected, mentally, emotionally, and physically. PTSD brings with it a disconnection, numbness to feelings and emotions, avoidance, and more, they do weigh heavily on a relationship, even the strongest relationships.

* Personalities. Oh yes they do change. The photo collage I posted of Craig not too long ago bluntly shows the changes in him. I as the spouse/caregiver, well, I had to take on a more serious role. Life is not just foot loose and fancy free, do what you want to when you want to. Life now contains much more responsibility. For both people it’s like having the person you were, the person people used to see, trapped inside of you and that old you just can’t come out, or not nearly as often.

* Roles change. That was a huge change for us. We each used to have our certain roles, what each of us did or were responsible for. Craig does what he can, but majority of things are up to me to accomplish or make sure things are taken care of. Disabilities do bring a lot of role changes, it’s no longer the old mindset of the man does this and the woman takes care of this, that cannot be a mindset in this life.

* Being able to sit in a restaurant, or any type of “date night”, and when we have in the past PTSD is always scanning and watching everything and everyone to the point it is not enjoyable. IF we do leave the house it’s pretty much for must do appointments or during off hours to when other people would not be out and about.

* Being able to watch movies away from home, not happening. The 12 years Craig and I have been back together we have not seen even one movie in a theater, something we used to enjoy doing. Dark room, crowds, strangers, not happening.

* Traveling. We were known for traveling much more than our age group at the time normally did (We were in our early 30s back then). If we were not working, we were traveling. We loved it! Without having an RV, where he has his space, his things, and a familiar place to retreat to, traveling has not been possible. Hotels are not an option, we have tried and PTSD is on high alert and he can’t sleep in unfamiliar places, especially with hotels having strangers walking by or out and about so often, and strange noises.

* Social Circles. The once social butterflies became wrapped back up in a cocoon. We have many social media “friends”, some being old friends from our past (love you all!), but friends as in get together and do things with, hang out, get the families together… there are not any. The last friend to visit us was a dear friend from my high school days which came from out of state with another friend and they stayed a weekend with us, that was two years ago this July.

With PTSD and depression, it makes it difficult to make plans, keep schedules, or do things away from our own home, which makes friendships difficult. People do have busy lives and things with their own families to do, work, etc. and hearing “Not today” or “We can’t make it” only lasts so long before people just stop calling or wanting to be around. Some could not handle how PTSD is, and the changes it has caused, and simply walked away. We don’t blame anyone or hold grudges because of it, it’s just what does happen when life includes PTSD.

As the spouse, my social circle is our neighbors, when I am outside and they happen to be too.

* Our children. We have four between the two of us, now ages 20, 15, 14, and 13. I have to say we have honestly gotten lucky with them. I say lucky because not all children are able to have or form the relationship and understanding that our’s have. Children can be greatly affected by PTSD, many are. So yes, we are lucky.

They are social, well adapted, do great in school, and are your typical funny and enjoy life teenagers. But making sure they have and had a healthy balance in life, emotionally balanced, did/does take much more than what a family without disabilities has to do. They have to be taught differently on top of normal parenting.

We have educated them from very young ages, on age appropriate levels of learning, about PTSD. It has for sure paid off! They love dad dearly, they do not view him in any negative way and do not hold any grudges or discontent towards him. They do understand that he is always here for them, that he loves them and they are the world to him, but at the same time there is a lack of physically being in the same room much of the time or having a lot of time with him. They know to enjoy the time they get with him. Quality vs Quantity, quality of time is what means the most. It has to, because PTSD does take time away. But when he spends time with them, he gives it everything he’s got, every ounce of energy possible, to be a great dad.

My 20 year old is actually my respite care person, so I get breaks to take care of myself. He knows every aspect of how to take care of dad (step-dad) and understands PTSD and Depression, what to do or needs to be done, better than anyone who does not live with us. When growing up with a parent with disabilities, children mature much quicker than kids normally do, because life and rules are different. But, in a way it has formed a closer but different type of bond, they would not give their dad up for any other dad or the world! He is the world to them, all four of them.

* Work. We would both love to be able to say we “are heading to work, see you later”. We were both work-a-holics before PTSD and other disabilities. We miss it. Not everyone with PTSD is unable to work, however my husband can’t due to the conditions that come with his disabilities, and he requires a full time caregiver, 24/7. I am lucky in the way that I can be his caregiver, however neither of us are able to work due to his disabilities, life drastically changed for both of us. When we see people complaining about having to go to work, we see it differently, nothing against them of course, but we wish we were the ones able and capable of heading out that door each morning… like we used to do.

* Life goals. We had our lives planned out, lol. I mean planned, budgeted, right down to every t crossed and i dotted. I was a dog trainer and he was an air traffic controller by career and private pilot. He was going to complete his 20 years in the military, then he wanted to work airport management, and we were going to purchase this little RV park in Tennessee, run it during RV season then during off season I would work Search and Rescue dogs and he would be our pilot to get us to where we needed to be. Our two professions and loves in life went very well together. Those things are just not possible now.

Life goals changed, now we just hope that one day we will be able to purchase another RV and he will be able to travel again to some extent, to get him out of the house and to be able to take back a small part of our lives that meant so much to us. What was once a mission to do SAR, to help people, now is a different mission of sorts, I am hoping that it will be a book signing tour, still with the goal of helping people, just in a different way than what we had planned. It’s a life goal we have set even though we know it’s going to be a hard reach.

So those are just a few of many examples of how life changed when PTSD and other disabilities became a part of it. The one thing I/we have learned in this life among many, many things, is you can’t focus on the negatives or all of the time, or this life will swallow you and there won’t be any sort of life. You take life one day at a time, one step at a time, and you give it all you’ve got. You have to!

I will close with this,
“PTSD is a diagnosis, it’s not a definition of who a person is, or who either of you are.” Sure life changed, drastically changed, but life still continues, it’s just different now.

A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page