The short story behind the “I thought you were single” comment

The short story behind the “I thought you were single” comment that I mentioned in yesterday’s posting, and was asked to write about.

You know, when life contains PTSD and Depression, one just does not get out of the house as much, at least it’s that way for many, and for Craig.

I was taking Alex out and one of the neighbors was outside at the same time. So we started talking. In the conversation I was asked, “How do you manage to do everything by yourself?” It seemed like a harmless question to me. I responded with, “Well, I just do what I have to do, to the best ability I can.” Then I was told, “You have that property, your house is not the smallest by any means, you have the dogs, and a mom on top of it. I don’t know how you manage everything with your husband no longer around.”

Yes, the woman who is rarely speechless was at a loss for words.

I stood there for a moment to digest what was just said. Then I asked, “What do you mean?” I was curious at this point to hear a response, lol.

Then the neighbor was non-stop, “Well, I’m not sure the situation and did not want to bring it up, or did not know how to ask you. But did you two divorce, I never thought that was it honestly, did your husband pass away? I used to see him outside from time to time and have not seen him in, well, almost a year I guess. Has it been a year? Maybe longer than that? I felt like I needed to come talk to you, but was not sure how to bring it up without making you feel bad or maybe stirring up bad or sad feelings. But you are a great neighbor and you are so alone over here trying to do everything by yourself. I know your son is around, but he works a lot. You are raising that beautiful daughter of your’s all by yourself now. That’s got to be hard. Oh, and she’s just an absolute sweetheart of a child, very polite and well mannered, I see her outside with the dogs quite often. How are your kids taking this? How are you doing? Are you okay? When you all moved in, what 4 or so years ago, your husband was outside more, you two seemed so happy together, then over time I saw less and less of him. He must have been away a lot. This has got to be so hard on you, I figured he passed away, I was told he had some type of health issues. You must really miss him, it’s sad, heartbreaking, but you do a good job keeping everything up and your kids are just great kids. I want you to know that I notice, and you are doing a great job. I could not imagine being your young age and having to handle everything on my own. You are a very strong person, but you must miss him greatly. You are always smiling, how do you do it? I would be a wreck…”

I just let the neighbor talk lol, without interrupting. To say the least it went on for awhile, I just stood there smiling and listening… and I had plenty of time while the neighbor was talking to think about how to answer all of the questions and comments made. 😉

Then finally a break in the one sided conversation. The neighbor said, “Are you doing okay with being alone?”, and waited for an answer.

I then replied, “It is tough at times feeling alone, but I cope very well. I take time to myself, take good care of myself, have my hobbies and dogs, the kids do keep me busy and are doing great. Of course I love doing yard work, so that’s no issue, it gets me outside. And other than that, I’m inside taking care of the house… and my husband.”

You could have heard a pin drop! Silence.

Then finally the silence broke and I heard an “OH! I thought you were single now!” I smiled a little bigger and simple said that my husband does have disabilities and no he does not get out of the house much at all, that I do take care of him full time. But no, he did not die.

The neighbor went right into apologizing. “I am so sorry! I had no clue. Other neighbors thought he had passed away because no one sees him outside anymore, we only see you and the kids from time to time out. Oh that must be hard, you two are so young! Too young to be going through this.”

I simply replied with, “It’s just life, and we live it the best possible. But thank you for your concern, I appreciate it, and all of the compliments.”

So… that was pretty much it, lol. You have to just chuckle at what people think and start saying when they just assume things. So when Craig made his appearance outside when another neighbor got their vehicle stuck, it really meant a lot in many ways other than the obvious of Craig making it outside. And the new neighbors were happy to meet him for the first time. I joked with the neighbor lady (not the neighbor that had that conversation with me) her and I had talked about other neighbors thinking I was single, and I said “See, I do actually have a husband, lol”. We had a good chuckle over it.

I joked with Craig and said maybe the neighbors that don’t know us well will stop thinking you are dead and I am single now! 😉 He just smiled a half grin with a chuckle. Then I said, “See, you need to get outside more before the men start asking me questions!” LOL, he laughed at that.

Oh the things that come about when life contains PTSD and Depression. 😉 You have to just laugh some things off at times.

The moral to this: Before you assume what someone’s life is like, or start telling others what it is like… Just ask! People are more than happy to help educate others about PTSD and what life is REALLY like. 😉

~Bec
A Spouse’s Story PTSD : Facebook page

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